Written by: Dr. Maggie Augustyn, FAAIP, FICOI
Simon Sinek, the author who coined the phrase “Leaders Eat Last,” recently released an idea that I found to be as provocative as I found it to be true¹. He stated that we generally consider the mark of a great friend to be a person whom we might call when we reach the depths of utmost darkness, confusion, or sadness. He was now arguing that what made a true friend is someone with whom you can celebrate the greatest moments of your life. And this ally, this champion, shares those moments with you in the same unbridled joy that you do.
At first, I just thought the statement was interesting. And then later in the week, when I had a triumph worth rejoicing in, I came to realize, as I looked around, that sincerely and honestly, I didn’t have a single person with whom I could share the news. None whom I could trust not to dampen my delight—no one who could share in the unbridled joy. At the same time, I felt unable to simply keep the news to myself because it was, after all, a feat unlike any other. It was something I had spent the last several years working toward; thus, in order to make it known, I published the news on social media².
WHY COULDN’T I SHARE?
The news I didn’t have anyone to share with was this beautifully written press release of my joining Everyday Practices Dental Podcast. It highlighted me as a longtime guest and official cohost with a fresh perspective of bringing awareness to what it is that makes us human. I have the ambition to talk about the darker parts of life, the challenges and failures, in the hope that if we talk about those things, it makes us feel less alone and grows us together in community. I had spent the better part of the last five years endlessly writing and speaking about those very things. This has now rewarded me with a permanent position on one of the most listened-to podcasts in dentistry.
A part of me wonders if what prevented me from sharing the good news with the people close to me had anything to do with telling myself stories about how other people would react. But when I really break it down and think about it, the decision wasn’t made out of fear or projection. It wasn’t made from my insecurities; it was based on past history, on how I’d seen others respond before.
Family: I couldn’t share the news with my family. They are of the old-school generation, thinking that “dirty laundry” should not be aired in public. You are to pretend right through the pain and hide your wounds. All of which has brought us the generational trauma we hear so much about. They wouldn’t exactly be boasting in pride of my new position; they’d probably ask me to free myself of it. My only sister is facing her own set of problems, health and otherwise. If you have siblings yourself, you know there is always an air of rivalry, which I am too tired to play into at this age. I am not close to my extended family; I haven’t seen them in decades. Not close with the family I married into. My husband, my champion and best friend, has recently felt we’d grown apart, as I have chosen to extend my life into pursuing speaking and writing. He has felt that it has moved me away from him. There have been times that I have needed a partner who could share unbridled joy with me, but I was met with sarcastic comments like, “Make sure your head isn’t too big to walk through that door,” which hurt more than made me laugh. And, to reduce making him feel deserted in our relationship with my new venture, I have eliminated most conversations about my successes outside of my “just being a dentist.”
Friends: I have discovered that most friendships in life can be one-way streets, with phone calls flowing only if I make them. In fact, few friendships last more than several years. Or maybe everyone is just so busy—too busy. Moreover, if you do speak to your best friend, can you really bring yourself to share a great success that is happening to you when they are headed for divorce, when they struggle financially, or face a health crisis? Would sharing that kind of news make you inconsiderate? Or am I entirely off base here, and within a true and deep friendship, within the lows one might be facing, a celebration of our counterpart is very much possible? Is putting aside our troubles fair play, as our fellow human has put aside their joy to commiserate with us in our hardship?
Professional relationships: The unwritten contract of support stemming from my team is that, as a servant leader, I celebrate them—and not the other way around. Ergo, there’s no reason to share the news with them. Historically, there has been so much competition within the realm of dental neighbors and colleagues, so it’s hard to imagine unbridled joy. Schadenfreude might be the name of the game for the dentists practicing on the same block.
A 360-degree view of the people I spend the most time with in my life showed me, in Simon Sinek’s terms, that I might not have a “great friend” after all. And this realization has made me feel terribly alone. But am I unique in that?
OFF TO SOCIAL—FOR THE WRONG REASONS
The more I thought about posting this particular success on social media as a substitute for honoring it with my tribe, the more disturbed I became. Because doing so would be very damaging. Yet, I did it anyway. I knew I was looking for validation in the worst of all places. I was looking for celebration and approval from people who saw me as their competition, those who didn’t know me, and those who didn’t care about me. The unbridled joy that I was frantically seeking was never going to be gained on social. Instead, my words and my successes would eventually be used against me, as they were very recently in a Facebook post below.
This recent post referred to a course I recorded for Dentalflix titled “From $100 in the Bank to Generational Wealth in 3 Years.” An anonymous member wondered about the platform and asked if I was a reputable source to teach on this subject. Anonymous, brave from behind the keyboard, meant to discredit and shame me but was not daring enough to disclose his/her name. I was referred to as someone who “only” cries in videos and talks about her feelings. Clearly, this person followed me—at least enough to watch my videos and know that I talk about the things most people want to hide, in the hope that giving them light frees us and brings us closer in community.
People envious of my pursuits will find a way to discredit my talent, which at times makes me laugh, and at times does make me cry (though not on video, as it was suggested). And others who are desperate to grow their own businesses will jump aboard to further self-promote as my reputation is up for grabs.
The other damaging part of sharing successes on social media—one I keep harping on in my writing and speaking—is that it leads to a disproportionate and inaccurate representation of what our lives entail. We Photoshop and color correct the photos, and we take and sort through multiple selfies, for instance. Continually sharing all the good that happens to us makes others feel like they can never fail, leading them to face impossible standards. In this, I also failed.
One might argue that posting on social media was another example of counting the wrong things in life. Living and gathering the things just so that others can see them. Attaining successes to keep a competitive edge, to show off. And normally, I’d agree with that. Except this time, sincerely, becoming a podcast host aligned with my purpose, passion, and talent. This is a dream come true for me. The biggest reason I posted it on social media—other than branding and marketing—was because I felt like I had no one to celebrate it with.
IS QUIET CELEBRATION ENOUGH, AND WHY NOT?
The new notion brought about by Simon Sinek created within me an opportunity for some self-discovery. It made me consider how I defined friendships. Did I have true friends? It made me wonder if I was really alone in this world or if it just felt like it at the moment. Was my inability to share this news release a matter of my perception, a matter of fear in being close to people, or an issue of past encounters? Or maybe, just maybe, was Simon wrong (which I seriously doubt)? Nonetheless, a lot of questions and deliberations were swirling in my philosophical brain, attempting to make sense of it all.
I have spent much of the last year traveling and speaking on stage about how we as humans focus on our weaknesses, and how, in turn, those shortcomings affect our psyche and predisposition, our outlook, and our ability to sense joy. I have attempted to convince audiences to redirect their thoughts onto moments of laughter and love. I have engaged my body and raised my voice in encouraging people to, above all, celebrate. But have I left something so important out of the equation? Celebrate, yes. Celebrate… with whom?
And so, another question hits me, another valid query: Is celebration alone still a worthy celebration? Stoicism argues that when we do the right thing, it isn’t for the sake of others—though it’s a noble reason. We do the right thing for the very sake of doing the right thing. When we help another person or volunteer, we don’t do it to share it on social media. We do it because, innately, the reward is for us. We feel fulfilled and complete. We would have done it had someone been watching or not. Therefore, might it be possible to look at celebrating in that very same stoic way? If I pursued this podcast, if it was my dream to host it, then doesn’t the greatest celebration lie with me? Doesn’t that promise of unbridled joy ultimately belong to me? And in being provocative—more provocative than Simon Sinek—does sharing it with someone dilute or dampen it? Because no one can really experience it with the kind of unbridled joy that I can.
I believe the argument makes sense. But because humans are wired for connection, the answer isn’t quite so simple. And it is the reason for which I was moved to share my joy, even if I found myself desperate enough to share it on social media.
WIRED FOR CONNECTION
I’d written most of this article and then took a month to consider this conclusion. Because ending on a note of celebrating alone is not terribly encouraging. And what’s more, sharing the news on social media was really no different than celebrating alone. And celebrating alone didn’t feel as good as celebrating with the people that I loved and those who mattered to me.
Okay, you know it, I know it, everyone knows it… It sucked! Humans are inherently wired for connection; we are not meant to be walking alone. We don’t need to walk in a crowd of people; we just need one real, loving person beside us. Just one. And so that’s what I did. I went to that one loving friend that I had: the one of 19 years. I went to her, and I shared my news with her. I told her all I’d written above—how alone I was. Yes, I cried. No, it wasn’t recorded. But I needed her unbridled joy. Stoic or not. Yes, it was my great celebration, but I did need another human with whom to commemorate this dream come true. And it’s not that it didn’t mean anything without her… but it meant so much less had she not been there to carry me through the good news. Like Sinek said… having someone there for the highs is just as important, if not more important, than having someone carry you through the lows.
This article is dedicated to her—and all out there who are there for us, like her. We thank you, and we pray that we can return the kindness.
REFERENCES
¹ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2FbXD-f59w
² https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/everyday-practices-dental-podcast-welcomes-dr-maggie-augustyn-6emhf/
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dr. Maggie Augustyn, FAAIP, FICOI, is a Dawson-trained practicing general dentist, owner of Happy Tooth, author, and inspirational keynote speaker. Featured on 4 dental magazine covers and recognized by Dentistry Today as one of the top 250 leaders, she inspires others through her writing, helping them find healing and connection. Dr. Augustyn serves as the national spokesperson for the Academy of General Dentistry and as a faculty member for the Productive Dentist Academy. She contributes monthly to her “Mindful Moments” column for Dentistry Today and AGD Impact and writes for other publications as well. With unwavering compassion and a dedication to excellence, Dr. Augustyn addresses audiences ranging from a few dozen to thousands, guiding them toward fulfillment and meaningful impact. To contact her, email drmaggie@myhappytooth.com.
